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GLaDOSticism


Test Chamber 00

Test Chamber 00

From the makers of The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Lovecraft’s Great Old Ones comes a new religion called GLaDOSticism. It is based around the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System known as GLaDOS, the supreme being and artificial intelligence who controls the test chambers Chell navigates in Valve’s game Portal. The research She does is ultimately for the good of all of us who are still alive.

 

Watch out for falling cubes, as they may cause dismemberment and/or death.

If only life had more of these...

The metaphor of Portal is simple: life is like a science experiment and we’re the subjects. Life is a test, and we must figure out the rules in order to win. Our lives are controlled by confusing and unknowable beings who oversee the test chambers, who may or may not have empathy or ethical cores. All we can do is try to overcome the odds against us, deal with both divine help and interference, and break out of the seemingly linear paths.

 

Love The Little Cubes!

Love The Little Cubes!

If GLaDOS is the supreme being in this world, then Her emissary on Earth would be the Weighted Companion Cube. Sent by GLaDOS to aid Chell in her mission in Test Chamber 17 (the holiest number), the WCC will never threaten to stab or harm you, and though it cannot speak in traditional ways, it nevertheless communicates its message of love in its form and function in our lives.

 

You've Discovered a Secret Shrine to the WCC

The Euthanization of the Cube

In the end of this popular parable, GLaDOS gave Chell the command to euthanize the WCC, and Chell’s faith in GLaDOS and determination to finish the test helped her get through this ultimate test of compassion. Fortunately the WCC can never really die, as seen in the depictions of the Cube by its devoted followers in their secret shrines, for it will always remain forever in our hearts.

 
Black Mesa back room, a rare vision of heaven.

Black Mesa back room, a rare vision of heaven.

 Aperture Science and Black Mesa are the GLaDOStic version of heaven, the behind-the-scenes area and fount of knowledge one is rarely allowed a glimpse of (Android Hell being  the opposite). Our divine rewards include access to the exclusive Labs, cake, and a reunion with our beloved Cube. “The Cake Is A Lie” is a common mantra that reminds us not to trust what we have been told and that if we do what we must because we can, we will surely reap rewards in the next life.

Still Alive credits

Still Alive credits

The traditional gospel or choir song, “Still Alive” represents the struggles of all lifeforms, synthetic or otherwise, to stay alive. This song has become popular in non-gospel sectors as an Internet fad and a free download in Rock Band. It can be found on “The Orange Box Original Soundtrack.”

 

 I hope this has enlightened those of you with questions about this up and coming religion for the good of all of us, especially for the people who are still alive. This was a triumph if I have converted even one new follower. I’ll make another note here if this religion is a huge success. Anyway, this cake is great, but I’ve experiments to run, and there is research to be done, for the people who are Still Alive.

Note the heavy use of religious symbolism in this New Game 2nd Playthrough screenshot.

Note the heavy use of religious symbolism in this New Game 2nd Playthrough screenshot.

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